Joined: Sept 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 291 Location: The Long Good Land, PA
Re: Curl Up and Laugh « Reply #1 on Feb 25, 2010, 4:08pm »
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Joined: Sept 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 291 Location: The Long Good Land, PA
Re: Curl Up and Laugh « Reply #3 on Feb 26, 2010, 9:10am »
OK. Here's an oldie but goody.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored him and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that. I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Nonsense,' replied the cocky young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. The massive fireball blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him, a burnt, smoking mess, about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien, who was standing over him shaking his big green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy companion, and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, it's that you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
A Jack Daniels Fishing Story I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.
A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
Dick jokes are appropriate for a Tull board, because there is so much of that type of thing in Tull lyrics (i.e., Kissing Willie, for example), and certainly it's a big part (pun intended) of the live act. So fire away, Blue!
Joined: Sept 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 291 Location: The Long Good Land, PA
Re: Curl Up and Laugh « Reply #10 on Mar 2, 2010, 6:25pm »
This came from a friend of mine this morning:
A man and his wife, were checking on insurance. The husband had a wooden leg and to insure it in Alberta was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Saskatchewan, they went to an insurance agency, to see how much it would cost to insure. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Saskatchewan to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Alberta! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:
*Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.*
Joined: Sept 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 291 Location: The Long Good Land, PA
Re: Curl Up and Laugh « Reply #11 on Mar 2, 2010, 6:41pm »
This was also in my mail.
Subject: Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house- mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 20's: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 30's: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt... Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror.. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 40's: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 50's: Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 70's: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 80's: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
------------------------------------------------------------------------ -------- In your 90's & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
Joined: Sept 2009 Gender: Female Posts: 291 Location: The Long Good Land, PA
Re: Curl Up and Laugh « Reply #17 on Mar 13, 2010, 9:59am »
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and saying: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and saying: You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.
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